I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
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