Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
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