What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Get clover it, babe.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
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