Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
You snooze. You booze.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
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