What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Leave poetry to the prose.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Go to BabaMail
