Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
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