I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.

I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.

You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!

I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.

What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.

Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.

I’ve never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.

Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!

“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”

- Maurice Johnston.

“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?

What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.

Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.

“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”

- Earl Wilson.

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.

Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.

A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.

What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.

If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.

What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!

What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.

Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.

Broken pencils are pointless.

"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill

What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”

"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine

I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.

Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.

What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.

What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.

A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.

I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.

Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.