"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
We’re mint to be.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
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