Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
You really mermaid my day.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
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