What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
The snuggle is real.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
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