“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
One more thyme.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
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