There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Here comes the sun of my life
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
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