Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.

"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow

What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”

I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.

Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.

How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!

When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.

I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.

Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!

Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.

Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”

What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.

Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it

Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.

Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.

A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".

What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.

How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.

My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde

What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"

What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!

Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.

Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.

I=f(U), I can't function without you.

What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.

What do all French cars come with as standard?

A spare wheel of cheese.

Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.

What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn

What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”

Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.

I'm the life of the paddy.

How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.

My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.

Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop

What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.

“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”

What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.

How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?

They would dig an M.O.T. around them.

Yoda one for me!

We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”

I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.