I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
You set my heart bonfire.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
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