A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
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