I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
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