Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Do you comma here often?
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
My fridge is hotter than you.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
You’re my #1 pick.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
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