Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
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