How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
What a spud muffin.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
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