I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
French, French Revolution
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
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