There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
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