You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.

"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."

- Jim Gaffigan

Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.

What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.

Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”

What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!

What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!

Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.

The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.

What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!

Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.

What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.

Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!

Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!

What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!

Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.

What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.

“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!

“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”

Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.

When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'

I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.

You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?

Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?

You’re wine in a million.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”

- Ralph Bus.

What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.

Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"

I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.

You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.

Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.

When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.