What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
You had me at taco.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
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