My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I less than three you.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
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