I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
I like you cherry much.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
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