Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
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