What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Case in punt
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
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