“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer

How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.

What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!

What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.

There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.

Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.

A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.

My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."

“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”

- Maxime Lagacé

Want to become my new personal best?

This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.

What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.

She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.

What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.

If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!

Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.

My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".

Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age!

Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer

What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein

2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.

Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.

Nice Skates... wanna puck?

What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!

"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

- George Burns.

The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.

Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.

“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields

For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.

I’ve got my ion you, baby.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!

what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.

What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.