What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
You mermake me happy.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
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