What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
I like you, you croc my world.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
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