Staying humble thanks to that fumble
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
Pirates Private Property.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
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