Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?

"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong

The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.

You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.

Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.

You’re my pot of gold.

"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"

“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?

Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.

The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.

How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.

"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."

- Earl Blumenauer.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.

How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.

Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.

What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car

If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you

"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb

“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista

Fresh French fried fly fritters

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis

"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown

Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.

Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.

Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas

Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.

My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe