I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I think you're barbe-cute.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Treat yo shelves.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
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