Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
I am a mean green machine.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
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