Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
You really mermaid my day.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
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