What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
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