What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.

Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.

“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous

I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.

What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!

Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.

Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."

What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.

“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”

What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.

What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.

"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry

I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.

How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.

What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.

"Dying to have fun."

"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles

Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.

The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.

It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.

How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”

It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.

How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!

What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.

Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit

What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias

What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.

What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.

I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.

What’s your sign? Mine is stop.

“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”

- Anna Quindlen

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer