What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
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