“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Let’s take an elfie.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"I make pour decisions."
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Go to BabaMail
