What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
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