I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.

What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.

You’re the cutest clover in the patch.

I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.

What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.

What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.

Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.

I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.

What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.

What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.

I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.

“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."

What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!

What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!

Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".

"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown

Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.

Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.

Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.

Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.

My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.

“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."

- Ralphie May

If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.

The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.

Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?

What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.

They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

Here's to a big opening weekend.

What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”

Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.

"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe