"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
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