What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
How rude-olf of you.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
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