What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
You mermaid to go far.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Your treat or mine?
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
I love you dairy much.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
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