My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
I “lub” you.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
French, French Revolution
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
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