What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
After all is sled and done.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
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