The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
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