I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.

Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!

Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.

I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.

What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!

What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.

Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home

What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.

What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.

“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney

So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.

What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out

Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!

Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)

Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

- Emo Phillips.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.

What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.

A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.

Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!

Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Winston Churchill

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.

Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.

“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”

Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.

“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer

What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.