Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!

I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.

Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.

Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.

The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.

Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.

“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!

"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."

- Ambrose Bierce

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.

What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.

As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo

Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.

At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.

Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.

A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.

I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."

I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.

Icy what you did there.

Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit

Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.

What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."

Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.

I love you and I ain’t lion.

What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.

Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.

What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.

Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.

I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.

My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".

Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.

What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline

I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!

We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."