If you were here, Abby all over you
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Someone said you were looking for me.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
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