Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.

I like big punts and I cannot lie

Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.

Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great

Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.

I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.

Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO

Thank brew very much.

Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.

"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella

“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust

I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

More candles means a bigger wish!

I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.

You are shrimply the best!

Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.

It’s Fall coming back to me now.

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!

How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket

"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"

Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!

You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.

Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection

Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.

I always have a ball with you.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you

What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.

"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde

What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.

What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.

“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous

What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee

What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!

Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.

Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!

What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.

Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moonday.

What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!

You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.

"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter