What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
You’re my lucky charm.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
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