Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
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